Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
so im not that great at this...
Well blogging that is... So much has happen not all good and not all bad, but I wont bore you with those details just yet. Here is some food for thought. It is almost my birthday and two years ago I was in France with my beloved Timmy (Now my best friend and no longer lover) here is some of my journal entries from around my B-Day while in France ( Sorry Tim...)
Chapter -5- France “the break up”
“It looks like your walking away from love” T. Laterreur
The following writings come form a journal I wrote in every day while I was in France. Theses are direct writings unchanged from the day written. This chapter has much to do with a guy named Tim I lived with Tim for two years. He was my partner my lover my world …
Bonjour,
Je m’ appelle Jay. Je viens de slatington PA, J’ai vingt-deux ans j’ai quatre soeurs je suis uraiment de’ sole jene pavlepas francias mais jaimerais essayer d’appprendre le fransais.
This is how it starts and this is my story im traveling to France to see the world with my partner tim we have been together for about duex years. (that’s two If you don’t know French) he is already there and I have been waiting for the day to come when I could see his face, smell his body and feel his warmth on my body. This trip means so much to us in the past we have had our problems. But as time is spent without him I can feel the love filling up my soul like a pitcher of water. I truly feel like he is my soul mate the ying to my yang. Im flying out to start my adventure. I can’t wait to see him! First stop is Dallas from where I live sunny San Diego…
Sitting here at Dallas I have seen more gay people than I have seen in a month. There is a cute old woman reading a romance novel. Her husband sitting next to her seems to be falling a sleep he is drifting in and out of consciousness. I think that he his only sleeping when she isn’t looking. There is a guy that is talking to a man who I think is gay as well. He has two painting canvas you can kind of see a light cobalt blue trim around the edge of the painting
Every one is sitting relatively quiet some staring off into space. Ever so often you can hear the laughter of a little girl. She has a pink jacket that makes me think of my little sister.
Traveling is so time consuming I woke up with my nerves in a knot. I feel like crap today my skin is slightly red with a slight smell of smoke on them. Gosh I wish I could stop smoking it is such a gross habit. Not to mention it kills you!!! Stains your teeth and that smell ugh it is so gross but I want one. By the way I think of it as “if I was to die of lung cancer at least its not aids”…
Sorry but I digress. A little boy just came up to me and asked me for a piece of paper. He is a pale young boy about 11 years of age. I would say he has a lot of energy because he is running. His father an older man with salt and pepper hair, he looks to be around 45. He looks so tired we all look tired. We are waiting for a flight now to Philly where I will be staying for about two weeks. My family is there I can’t wait to see them and Chel. I can’t help but to think about Tim. He is such a kind person he truly is. He has a heart of gold and he supports me in any and all of my endeavors. As you may already know I am an artist and I have not been creating that much work lately. I almost feel as if I have lost my passion my lust for painting. I have been working hard to support myself and my life style. When I land in France I plan on tapping into my creative side somehow. I’m just not sure how to though I know I can I just am having a hard time finding it. I want to be able to produce amazing works of art for the world to see. I want to be able to draw all the sites and I do mean all the sites every thing France the Eiffel Tower to the Arch de Triumph, Cafes everything….
Landing in Paris after my long flight things were looking up. Tim was there to I couldn’t wait to see him. But then I realized he was not as happy as I was to see him. I hope this trip works out because I can’t see my life without him. My birthday is in a few days. I can’t wait to do something really wonderful and special, Tim is a sweetheart he most likely is planning some kind of sweet dinner or something I wonder…
March 8th 2008 – Paris
Ugh the third day we are here tomorrow is my birthday. Tim and I argued last night. He wanted to kick me out of the hotel room. I don’t know why he says this stuff to me if he loves me. I never kick him out ever. He said he was going to call the doorman downstairs and have me remove. It makes me sad to think that he would do that to me ugh…
March 9th – My Birthday – Paris
Well today is the day finally it is my b-day “mon anivesay” im finally going to the Louve it is going to be so amazing. I can’t wait to see Madonna on the rocks and some Boche paintings. Tim is going to go with me his knee is hurting him a lot. Im not sure if he can handle all the walking around it has been so frustrating to get around or do anything.
Yesterday we went to see Jim Morrison’s grave in a beautiful cemetery. His tomb stone had a small fence around it and there was a guard that was watching over the grave. I was so excited to see it I love the doors music I grew up listening to it all the time. I have so many pictures of some of the most beautiful graves I have ever seen in my life.
I hate it here right now. All tim has been doing is complaining about me. I feel like ever since I came here he doesn’t love me. My birthday sucked really bad but we did have pizza at this really cute French place by the museum. Despite the fact that I had to beg him to stop there. After we went to the hotel tool a nap and once we woke up I asked him if we could go do something fun and he said no because it was a Sunday and he said everything was close on a Sunday which may have been true. But I asked if he wanted to maybe just go walk around and he said he didn’t even want to try to see if there was something we could do ugh…. I hope Angers is better than this because if this is a precursor to the rest of the trip then I can tell that it is going to be hell already.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Chapter -3- College by Street Name? What?
Section 1
Did I Piss in The Punch?
What an exciting time in my life I had just graduated high school “I was on top of the world”… or at least it felt like that. I was coming into my own. Creating art turned out to be the best thing for me I felt amazing when I would create art. It became a symbolic expression of my mind. Developed by techniques I learned while shadowing artist Paul Harryn, I was able to produce up to 20-30 paintings with in a two week period. It really was the push I needed to fall back on that one thing I was good at and it was art.
The next step was to find out if I was going to go right off to college or ifd I wanted to take time and search for the inner “voice”. I had so many decisions and I didn’t know where to go I decided to check out two places really AIU Philly and PCAD Lancaster turns out PCAD is where my life would take me but not for another year. I stayed in my town I did some art shows in the area as well as painted a café in first color it was called Stone Grove Café. A quiet shop with new age books, that kind of reminded me of a small store I had seen in a movie called “The Craft”. There were tons of candles and Franken-something incense. There was a small stage where a live band could play or some depressed emo kid could read a poem about over dosing while wearing girls jeans.
Within that year I really started what I thought was going to be my carrier, by the time I was ready to move from the parents home I was showing art, creating custom works for clients, painting murals and promoting art show i.e. “steal this art” in Reading PA… I was on my way packed up and ready to go out into the world that already had gave me two house fires, a drunken father, a rapist, and the man I would call my dad Joe.
He is the most supportive male figure in my life. By this point I was able to separate the concept of father and dad. A father is someone that provides the second have of the needed chemicals and DNA additives to create live where as a Dad well that is the man that shows you life and how to be strong, brave, creative, expressive, kind, gentle and hard. Above all else they show you what it means to be a man and that’s what he taught me. There was only one thing to do at this point and that was to find a roomie and then a house!
On my way to meeting my new potential roommate I remember being extremely nervous. PCAD had given out theses e-mail list things and I found him on one… they were kind of an early roster of students that needed roommates for there term in PCAD. It had all different age groups because students didn’t live on campus there. They simply had to find an apartment somewhere close to the college so that they could either drive or walk with there supplies and projects. I chose to walk I didn’t have a car yet so I was hoping to get one soon.
I met up with him and we hit it off I think I went with my girlfriend at the time Christa ( more to come later on her. She wasn’t really the type of person to meet new people. I knew this was going to be interesting. So we just kind of sat around and drank Magic Hat No.9. It was so tasty really it was the first time I had a real beer normally I would have been drinking super shitty beer like Old Milwaukee. I drank this with my buddies under a bridge back in Slatington it was only about twelve dollars for a twelve pack it was extremely cheap.
We ended up moving on Orange St. Lancaster PA
We had a two floor place very chill you had to walk down a very thin hallway made of bricks it was really very hard to fit some of my things in through. It had three rooms and I remember it only being like five hundred or so dollars maybe eight a piece. Either way there was one bathroom and one bedroom on the bottom floor, up stairs was the other two rooms with a window in one that you could use to climb out on to the roof that would later be the scene of a winter beach party with a baby pool of water and a blow up palm tree that was a cooler. It was perfect! During that time i had a few people enter life that I can truly say are my friends I would meet people like Molly, Jake <3 him, Justin, Sara and of course Chelsea
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tracks of My Tears “Building giant dinosaurs, using green construction paper, the day that I was put in to the hospital for trying to hurt myself.”
Chapter -2- Suicide
Section 1
Two men in simple suits walk towards me. Down the rows of desk to back where I sat in Mrs. Gallergers class, she was my second grade teacher. I remember this day because I sat next to Kim Bailey a girl I would later date in high junior high. I wouldn’t remember her till she mentioned it to me that she bought me zebra strip gum once with a welcome home balloon.
My teacher had stopped them but as she began to say something my principle came in and called her over. The men asked me to go with them I really didn’t understand what it was that was happening. I was so confused I was in second grade and I knew that I was doing to myself was going to be hurtful to others and myself not to mention selfish. How could I not know that I would hurt so many people? How could I not know that my family would suffer?
I was seven barely old enough to dress. I remember what I was wearing that day. Its simple it was a pair of yellow and blue shorts with a neon green and blue vertical strip shirt. I hated that shirt I think that the shorts were Umbro a soccer company.
Section 2
To get to that point you need to understand that I have been trying to kill myself for one year not that it is a “glory” moment in my life but the fact is my mother was hurt by the only man I trusted and she was getting remarried to Roger a ruthless man that worked for a local textile company in a town near by. He seemed great but the change left me lonely and with out the only man I had known. I wanted to die I wanted to leave. In the months that followed their wedding I started thinking about a lot of fucked up shit life, death and more had I know it would lead up to me trying several time to take my life I would have never began the journey into my life.
Walking into the my room my mother could only hear sounds of myself gasping as she pulled the cover from my top bunk revealing her only son blue in the face with a rope around his neck made of the shoe laces that she had just bought for his first day in second grade. She screamed for Roger to help. As I sat their slightly up leaning hard so that I would die I wish I had a better life my mother grabbing at the lace pulling it to set me free she realized that she was pulling it tighter. As she panicked I remember Roger yelling for her to let it go that she was killing me I passed at that point and don’t remember to many details of what happen but when I came to I remember Roger standing over me with a knife from his pocket to cut me free… this was the third time I had tried to take my life.
Many time before have I tried well at least twice first two were simple nothing grand I had pills aspirin if I remember and baby at that I wanted to die I lost the only persons in my life I loved even though violent I still wanted to have him in my life…
It was hard there off the tree out back a gun I found under Roger’s night stand and once again at Kims house. I wanted to die life was hard I really don’t even know but the sadness followed me for a very long time and I just wanted to die. A child in second grade should not even know about death or really understand life for that matter but yet I wanted to control it I wanted to end it…
Life was hard after those first five times I tried a few months later with a chair and the fridge I really had know idea all I know is that I knew I wanted to end this life not worth living…
There were many other times my mother walked in from the food bank and I was trustier to be home alone that when she came home she walked in on me forcing myself to pass out by holding Rodgers weights on my neck, glass in my hand getting the balls to cut myself, and electric wires in a socket with copper wire connected to a medal plate with a glass full of water near by. I wanted to die I wanted to not live I wanted to kill myself….
Some many ways so little time my family interrupted me every time saving me from the worst mistake of my life I would have rather---
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Chapter -1- Family Section 1 "Finding My Way Home"
This the simple story of my life from the heartache to the triumphant moments. A combination of anger, sadness, power, and hope. My struggle with my inner emotions combined with the fear of being alone. The details of this life I call my own are not the most interesting nor are they easily overlooked.
Growing up I have experienced a lot of pain from a young age. Looking at it all now I understand the meaning of the phrase “What can not kill you will make you stronger”, but what if that which was trying to kill you was yourself? I have been there I have tried to take my life… In order to understand some of the feelings that can take someone to the low of self pity I must explain to you a few things that lead up to my first attempt to end my life.
I was born in
The memory that sticks with me the most is particularly painful… we lived in a trailer out side of a small quarry town. It was a simple summer night mother was cooking food father was down the street at a friends house drinking. Little did she know that as she set the table and called for Tonya and me that the night would end in tears… As my family and I sat eating, unknowingly preparing for the storm that was about to come. The air felt heavy with humidity a fan blew slowly, the motor struggling to pull air through a clogged screen in the window. My father came home… The details that began the fight have long left my mind because the image of my mother being stuck by a shoe haunts in their place. As I screamed at the sight I remember my mother telling me to run away because my father was turning to take out his frustration on me. I didn’t move fast enough and I can recall being grabbed by the back of my neck and being thrown to the ground. My father pulled off his belt and started to whip my back as I laid crying my mother pulling at his arm begging him to let me go, Tonya had ran and was now hiding in her room. My father at this point turned and threw my mother down striking her in the face with the same belt that had welted my body. I can remember her cries so loud and so painful. My father grabbed my wrist and was pulling me on the ground towards a closet were I was thrown into and locked behind. This was super time in the mist of all of this I had first thought about death and my life ending. I wanted to get out so bad but I couldn’t open the door.
On the other side I heard my mother fighting for her self worth pleading for him to stop and leave me alone I could hear the braking of dishes and the yells of my father. My mother was able to unlock the door but I was to afraid to open it. I was lucky enough to be pulled out by my father again this time by my hair. He grabbed my throat and closed his hands tighter around yelling at me that I was a mistake, calling me a fucking retard and faggot I was 5 years old I was loved. I could see the fear in my mother’s eyes as she helplessly watched her only son’s face turn pale white color.
How did it come to this was it me? Did I do something wrong to create so much anger? Could my existence be so regretful so hurtful that taking my life could fix their world?
I don’t remember what happen but some where between the hurt and glory I left. Coming to when my mother had pulled together enough strength to hit him with an ash tray in the back of the head as I fell slowly to the ground my mother rushing to grab me up, screaming and crying praying to god for me to be ok. She ran and called my sister from the room running out the back door to a woman named Kim. Bruce stood in the door way yelling and screaming for that “fucking bitch” to come back.
That night we stayed at Kim’s house this was the beginning of the end for my family my hope my world as I knew it would change for ever. My mother, Tonya and I stayed there with Kim for a few days and I recall going to school and talking to the teacher about the events that had unfolded only days earlier with makes on my body and face no one could refuse that we needed help…
Ugh Starting now!
Well one new Mac a trip to vegas then a turbulent flight home. Landed me back in San Diego only to be participate in a night of crazy antics, sex, booze, shame and more. Topped of by a roller-coaster of a saturday and a melting sunday night, with a robbed cherry on top for monday!!
This was my last four days in a nut shell Im a gay 24 going on 25 male and Im trying to be gracious for the cards I have been dealt. Hello Im Dayton O'Connor, despite my optimistic outlook things go wrong all the time and then have a way of panning out to be rude, evil and yet a blessing in really bad drag. Living in San Diego I moved from PA thinking it was going to be peaches and cream. Turns out life is harder in the city than a country boi like myself thought.
So I guess this being the first blog on here a objective or my goal is in order:
* To write about everything that my mind, heart and soul have been to stubborn to tell or express before. Everything from Past, present, hopes and plans of the future, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Life is full a skeletons have a peek at mine...
Starting tonight I will post thoughts from my day as well as bits of my writings from journals I have been keeping/writing in over time, hoping to shed some light on my own mistakes while providing a How TO Guide... well kinda... maybe it's more like a How To NOT Guide you be the judge....
"A Life Worth Living" this starts the first chapter...
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